This past weekend I was fortunate to spend it at Dragoncon and explore some of my deeper fetishes which was incredible but it came with some lessons I did not expect.
The first is there is a HUGE difference between a domme who is experienced and the dommes I have spent time with. This isnt a knock against them but my friend really set the bar high.
I was nervous at first as she bound me to a chair – with an audience no less and performed her craft. She set out the rules clearly from the beginning, checking with me constantly with each new flogger she tried on me. But what really put me at ease was the care she showed.
She would briefly stop, running a hand along my back, checking my skin temperature and sensitivity while admiring her handy work but what really comforted me was part way in she asked how my hands felt and I told her good. To be safe she checked my fingertips and they were cold so she readjusted my restraints recognizing that even though I had not realized it yet – I was not getting blood circulation to my hands and she quickly fixed it.
I knew then I could truly relax – she would take care of me. And she really did. The flogging turned into sensory play that I can only describe as mind blowing. I forgot about the audience entirely and entered that blissful sub space and she even tried some things to push my boundaries as I requested of course and found new toys I enjoyed that I was uneasy to try.
The session left me feeling completly at ease and I seriously couldnt tell if I had cum or not my body tingled soo good. She assured me I did not (I was more worried about hitting her since with a ball gag I couldnt exactly warn her but she read me like a pro – bringing me down when I got too close and paying attention to how I reacted.
Then the session ended and she unbound me, told me to get dressed and come sit on the couch with her for some aftercare.
Strangely enough, this was the part that caught me off guard. I never really had done that before and normally I am not a super physical when it comes to affection so cuddling, hugging etc makes me feel awkward – its just not a form of contact I am used to.
But I listened and we sat on the couch – she monitored me and stayed close to make sure I didnt come crashing down until about 15 minutes later I told her I was good. I did nothing but sit there.. I cannot stress enough that this was my mistake. I needed something but it was foreign and unrecognizable to me. I could not verbalize it.
Shortly after we called it a night and I laid alone in my bed staring at the ceiling when it all came crashing in. It dawned on me that I was going home the next day. My fantasy – probably a once in a lifetime weekend – was over.
The stress of managing two businesses came rushing back and the responsibility of day to day life. The realization I would not see my friend for at least a year…it was crushing and hurt more then I would ever admit. I felt hopelessly alone.
I cried myself to sleep.I feel ashamed of it. I didnt tell her about it.
It has stuck with me all day. How important that reassuring touch can be. I would have loved it last night and someone to talk to but instead I rejected the idea that I needed a hug or cuddle. I live alone. I work 60 hours a week and have 8 employees. I own my own house and car. I am the definition of independent.
Yet there I was. Wishing I had a reassuring hand on my back to let me know I am not alone. Someone cares and sees how much I was hurting. The next day I think I caught her off guard when I asked for a random hug – but I was too embarassed to tell her why I needed it.
That wasnt my only lesson this weekend.
For sometime now I have discussed my cuckold fantasy with my friend who offered to help me play it out this weekend with her partner. I was really comfortable falling into the role for the week which can be credited to my friend and her partner who are incredible and made me feel at ease and supportive of my perverted voyeueristic ways
I listened to them do their thing, even bought her two corsets that her partner helped pick out. It was a weird rush as I handed my card over to pay while they were clearly the couple. I could not imagine the questions that the cashier may of had..
I can only describe the experience as amazing and something I would explore more and hope to but its not a lifestyle I could live full time. I could see myself lose some of my identity the longer I was in the role and that it could get isolating as ultimately I am on the outside looking in. At some point I would crave that reassuring touch that I waa not alone or an after thought and along for the ride and I think the longer it would go the stronger that feeling would get. The week was a perfect timeframe for me.