If you have a conversation with any kinkster out there about what they look for in a partner, you are likely to see a pattern in the traits we all value. Open. Unjudging. Willing to try new things. Caring. NOT a douche. Loyal. A big ol’…you get the point. The list can go on for ages but the one that I am never surprised to see is the most important in my opinion. Trust.
It is paramount I trust my partner explicitly. They are going to see me vulnerable, both physically and mentally. They are going to know secrets about me and my desires that frankly, I am not sure people in my day to day life would understand. They at least would be shocked.
Every day I put on nice dress clothes, go in to an office where I not only deal with large clients but I oversee ten other individuals and I am looked at to lead and make decisions that are best for them. Most would likely describe me as smart, mild mannered and conscientious. I take great pride in doing my utmost to help people and keeping my word.
I often wonder how that perception would change if they knew the things that go through my head when I am not putting on my professional face and I know that I am not alone. What would they think if they knew I was wearing a chastity cage? How would they react if they knew I looked forward to being flogged? Or at times doing the flogging? And don’t even get me started on my browser history – there are things in there at times that terrify even me.
Add to the fact I live in a small farming town of roughly 500 people, most of who are above 60 years old and I am sure you can understand why I don’t want to deal with negative perceptions because of what I like to do in my free time.
I have always been a guarded person when it comes to my feelings and while I think there has been progress with accepting BDSM and dispelling misconceptions – we still have a long way to go. So, naturally I hide in plain sight as many of us do.
Maybe I am pessimistic but too often I have seen someone’s differences turned into a weapon against them or how fickle a person can be when judging another. We all want to be judged on the merit of our character but the reality is, too many of us judge too easily and if I am being honest, I know I have done it unjustly at times myself.
Don’t believe me? Browse a few kink sites. It is no coincidence so many photos don’t contain faces or profiles are sparse on personal identifying information. It would be naïve of me to think that most of that is not for safety reasons and is a smart choice. But I also know part of it is just in case that curious co-worker or ex comes across your profile. The last thing any of us need is to be outed by another person or assume because we have an interest in something that they can treat us a particular way. It is OUR journey and no one has a right to share it without our consent.
That is why above all other traits, it is the most important for me. But it is also the hardest for me to find.
I cannot count the number of times I wanted to text someone just to get a thought out of my head and talk about it but didn’t know who I could trust to talk to. Or that I finally fall for a woman and they are appalled by my desires and think less of me. I just got to a point in my life where I am comfortable being myself and I am growing as an individual and I don’t want to regress.
But how much can I truly grow on my own? It is a lonely affair being your own confidant. Sure, I connect with people all the time but there is always that part of me that I keep protected and hidden. The thoughts I leave unsaid.
My own journey has lead me here.
Writing these articles for me is the best therapy to settle my thoughts outside of an actual play session. It is one of the only times I am not worried about work or finances or what people think of me. I hope these articles can resonate with some of you out there and help you along in your own journeys and with your own fears.
And so I ask all of you out there to reach out to me if you have anything you want to talk about or maybe something you want to see me cover. Just because we are all individuals, does not mean we are alone in what we are thinking and going through. That is what I believe deep down.
But there is only one way to find out. Trust.